Let's be honest: all the really good gifts are sold out this year thanks to the supply chain woes wrought by the pandemic. If you had your eye on one of those enchanted cauldrons that helps you cast unwelcome visitors into the goblin realm or an ancient Sumerian manuscript that summons demons, I hate to be the one to break it to you: those treasures will probably be stuck off the coast in a container ship well into 2022. With that in mind, you might as well settle for Boredwalk products instead!
Someday We'll All Be Dead Hoodie
As warm as your eventually useless carcass will be cold, our Someday Will All Be Dead hoodie is a perfect reminder that the Grim Reaper is coming for all of us — and thank goodness for that. When the hellscape seems all too much, you can always take comfort in the soft embrace of this cozy fleece while you wait for an end to the interminable suffering.
It also makes a great gift for that snarky senior in your life who enjoys trolling the irrepressibly positive members of the family. Let Grandma have some fun for a change — who knows, maybe it'll be your overbearing Aunt Beatrice who will have the heart attack first! Only one way to find out!
Everything is Trash T-ShirtNo need to sugar coat it: we live in a relentless abyss of waking nightmares, but we can still have a good time. This Everything is Trash raccoon tee is perfect for such an endeavor! Cut out pointless chit chat with bozos who insist on acting like reality is all sunshine and rainbows; YOU know the truth. Wear it to your next dental appointment — no need to pretend you're happy to see them. No one ever is! It makes a delightful gift, due to its timeless applicability. Will things stop being trash in '22 and beyond? No chance! Get ahead of the curve with this all-seeing raccoon. Nature has so much to teach us!
Wonderland Transit Map PrintEvery been tempted to disappear into an alternate reality? It's all fun and games until you get stuck there and can't figure out how to get from demented haberdashery to the feast for gluttons. This handy 11" x 17" map will help you find your way through Lewis Carroll's Wonderland, but will serve absolutely no purpose if you find yourself in some other alternate dimension. Either way it will look cool on your walls and imply that you're erudite and fancy, which is sure to impress at least one ill-advised Tinder date!
Living My Okayest Life T-ShirtIf there's one gift no one enjoys, it's the gift of disappointment. That's why this Living My Okayest Life shirt is so invaluable! By setting low expectations, you can do away with pesky false hope and set the tone for your existence. Is it good? No. Would you recommend it to others? Definitely not. Could it be worse? Sure, and eventually it probably will be! Enjoy today's mediocrity because it's all downhill from here!
Hell Goddess Dish Towels - Set of 3For the nightmare queen who has everything, this amusing collection of kitchen towels is the ultimate gift! The absorbent cotton material makes them perfect for cleaning up blood spills, and the delicate aesthetic lets the world know you're both an exquisite and terrifying creature. If you can't get her what she really wants (probably a rare cursed amulet that opens portals to hell dimensions), this towel set is the next best thing!
Hell is Other People Messenger BagWhy mask your contempt for everyone when you can proudly display your disgust with this every day carry bag? Made of a sturdy cotton canvas, this bag is perfect for toting essentials, from arcane relics to the skulls of vanquished foes. It's machine washable, so you'll never have to worry if your slimiest ritual ingredients get a bit leaky.
Grievance JournalIf vengeance is on the menu — and why wouldn't it be in this terrible reality? — this anti-gratitude journal makes a delectable appetizer. You might be keeping fantasies of walling a nemesis into a wine cellar up in your head, but this lovely journal invites you to vent about it in excruciating detail! Complete with 52 writing prompts and 52 darkly funny quotes, this journal is perfect for unleashing pent up hostility in a judgment-free zone. Comprised of actual authentic paper and ink — how delightfully analog! — the Grievance Journal can also be consumed by a raging fire if hiding evidence is a concern. Handy!
Feeling Stressed? Hoodie
Whether you're going for a brisk jog to keep the winter carbs in check or just indulging in some avoidant behavior to cope during the emotional pressure cooker of the holiday season, there's probably some cold sweat in your near future. Wick that unwanted moisture away in retro style with this stylish 1970s-inspired hoodie and feel safe in the knowledge that even if you gain a pound or three over the next few months, running away from your problems will give your psyche a nice workout!