July 13, 2022

Happiness, by another name...🍟

THE PINNACLE OF POTATOES

Happy National French Fry Day! Salty, crispy, starchy, a perfect conveyance for myriad condiments — what's not to love?
I love a good salad, mind you, but whenever I order a sandwich at a schmancy restaurant (i.e., one without a drive-thru window) and the server asks which side I'd like with my sammie, the answer has been "mixed green salad" zero many times. It is ALWAYS* French fries.**
*Unless tots are an option. Speaking of which, one of my favorite local spots recently started offering loaded nacho-style tater tots. Yes, it IS as delicious as it sounds.
**Spare me your sweet potato fries, though — if I wanted to bite into something soft, orange, and perpetually disappointing I'd eat a circus peanut, but that would never happen because I am not a self-hating food masochist.
This occasion (likely dreamed up by some brand marketer at McWendysKing — I'm no fool) did get me to thinking about what my desert island French fry condiment would be, though, and by golly*** that's a tough call!
***This is what they call in the biz a "call-back" to Monday's email. Could this email BE any more crammed with asterisked asides?! Inquiring Chandler Bings want to know!
Ketchup? A classic, perfect in its easy harmony with the fry. Straight-up plain mayo? Eh...that's a little TOO French for my tastebuds. Barbecue sauce? Tempting, but no. Gravy and cheese curds? Look, poutine is great, but until some enterprising vegan brings legit plant-based cheese curds to market I'll have to pass. Chili cheese? Getting warmer...
No, I think for me it would have to be either a tangy sriracha mayo or smoky chipotle aioli. Bougie? Who cares?! Flavor is what I favor!
Alright, I've shown you mine; what is YOUR favorite French fry dipping sauce? Reply and let me know!
Luxuriating in a bed of French fries GIF
Why would you ever tiptoe among the tulips if you have the option to frolic among the French fries?
Today is also National Beans 'n' Franks Day. Do with this thoroughly uninteresting information what you will.
Alright, let's say happy birthday to some people and events before we get to those sweet links!
• On this day in 1985 the multi-continent Live Aid benefit concert was held. Organized by Boomtown Rats frontman Bob Geldof and Ultravox leader Midge Ure to generate money for victims of the Ethiopian famine that lasted from 1983 - 1985, it was quite a global spectacle.
• A happy birthday to accurately rated Starfleet captain Sir Patrick Stewart (1940), underrated giant mutant alligator exterminator Robert Forster (1941), overrated intergalactic smuggler Harrison Ford (1942), somehow both under AND overrated musician Roger McGuinn of The Byrds (1942), sticky icky aficionado Cheech Marin (1946), the voice of Spongebob Squarepants Tom Kenny (1962), and retro soul musician Leon Bridges (1989).

• And finally, it was on this day that we bid adieu to acclaimed Mexican artist Frida Kahlo in 1954, who was recently trending on Twitter for all the wrong reasons thanks to Russian bots. Putin's gettin' real weird over there in Moscow with the disinformation.

Alright, you've waited long enough — on to the links!

1. Tiger cuddle puddle? Yes, please!

The world is such a dark place that sometimes you just need to watch a tiger mom snuggle and play with her cub. Squee!

2. Let's go to the bloody beach this summer!

Hormuz Island off the coast of Iran boasts some truly weird yet stunning beaches full of sand rich in red ferrous oxide soil, called "gelack," which turns the water lapping against the sand blood red. Nosferatu already has his vacation coffin ready to go!

3. English: the gumbo of languages?

This YouTube video delves into the many words English has stolen from other languages over the centuries. Classic English; imperialism never truly ends, I guess.

4. Here's a baby bear, chewin' on some leaves.

No need for a fancy plot or dramatic drone footage — sometimes Thoreau got it right. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

5. Boredwalk's Review Crew is here to f%&k you up with some truth!

OK, headphones up, because Madeleine and Grace from our content team get a little salty in this one!

They're reviewing not just reviews of Boredwalk from customers who take issue with our love for pizza and admiration of Satan, but also things like Scottish accents, East Coast vs. West Coast, and their coworker Josh. It's...really f%&king funny. Worth the click, no foolin'!

6. BONUS: ICYM our videos from last week!

I know not every Boredwalk email subscriber reads all of our emails. Some only want to receive one per week. Some poor souls only want to receive one per MONTH! And others still just...never open any of our emails, so we stop sending to them altogether, or only when Black Friday rolls around. Their loss, because it means they miss Boredwalk pilot season!

If you missed them last week, you'll want to check out our The Office-meets-What We Do In The Shadows series By End of Days and Grace and Madeleine's reality series Boredwalk On The Boardwalk, where they ask randos on the Venice Beach boardwalk questions from our Grievance Journal, both of which are extremely amusing! Give 'em a gander!

OK! We'll be back here in your inbox on Friday with more nonsense holidays to dissect, more notable birthdays to celebrate, and more witty content in general. Don't miss it! Until next time...

Peace, love, and condiment conveyances,

Matt

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