December 16, 2022
🎶 It's the most nerve-wracking time of the year! 😰
TIME TO "RUIN" THE HOLIDAYS!
Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year when procrastinators flood the inbox of every retailer, big and small, frantically asking the question "if I order this today, will it get here in time for [insert gift-giving holiday of choice here]?"
The flippant answer I would like to give is something along the lines of "I don't know — do you have access to a time machine so you can go back a couple weeks and make better choices?"
Sadly, this is frowned upon by both Boredwalk co-founder Meredith and Operations Manager Marlene (though they both agree with me in their heart of hearts).
How a fixed date on the calendar continues to baffle broad swaths of the online shopping populace perplexes me, but even more perplexing is this steadfast belief that if a gift is given on the 26th, 27th, 28th, or beyond it will spontaneously turn into a pile of dust.
Newsflash, people — there ain't no magic about December 25th. It is literally marketing! Two of my brothers were born on December 26th. They get gifts two days in a row, and seem quite pleased with the arrangement!
So to answer the question "will it arrive on time," as with most things, Patton Oswalt has the answer:
Roll the dice and find out!
GIF via IFC/Portlandia
All the above said, I'm not THAT much of a Grinch (though after what has been four days and counting of being housebound with the flu, my heart certainly feels a couple sizes smaller than it was last Friday).
If YOU happen to be one of the aforementioned procrastinators, we do have a handful of items that — unlike our tees, hoodies, and bags, which are printed to order and therefore require more time to produce — are pre-made and can be packed up and shipped out either the same or next business day, depending on what time of day you place the order. In fact, click that slick animated GIF up top to shop them!
Orders for our Grievance Journal, the Adventures in the Abyss activity book, various spiral notebooks, and coffee mugs all can be shipped out lickety split. They may not reach you in the hinterlands of eastern rural America in time, but they have a much better chance of doing so than our tees!
Another fine option would be to shop Boredwalk closer to home in any of the fine brick & mortar establishments that carry an assortment of our items!
Are we near your house? I don't know! But we are even carried in a place in Wyoming, so chances are good! Heck, we're even in a handful of shops around Canada, the UK, and even some place in Belgium and The Netherlands. Move over, Pit Bull — there's a new Mr. Worldwide in town!
Today happens to be National Chocolate Covered Anything Day, so I suppose you could also just buy people* some chocolate and hope for the best.
* Emphasis on "people" — do not give chocolate to your furry companions (unless you want them to become very ill and/or dead, in which case please just turn yourself in to the authorities right now, Minority Report-style,** you monster).
** Written by one of today's birthday boys! This email is meta AF!
Alright, polish your cake-eating fork!
Happy birthdays all around to composer Ludwig van Beethoven (1770), novelist Jane Austen (1775), sci-fi writer Arthur C. Clarke (1917), author Philip K. Dick (1928), journalist Frank Deford (1938), ZZ Top guitarist & singer Billy Gibbons (1949), Baltimore Orioles MVP-winning pitcher Mike Flanagan (1951), comedian Bill Hicks (1961), NFL legend William "The Refrigerator" Perry (1962), Dismemberment Plan singer-songwriter/guitarist and D.C. indie rock icon Travis Morrison (1972), and Jessica Jones/Breaking Bad actress Krysten Ritter (1981)
Pour one out for: Allison Balfour, who was wrongly convicted of witchcraft and ultimately tortured and murdered for it on this day in Scotland in 1594, fried dinosaur icon Colonel Sanders, who kicked the bucket (presumably after eating all the chicken it contained) on this day in 1980, illustrator Lillian Disney (yes, THAT Disney; she was also Walt's wife), who passed this day in 1997, Roy Disney (yes, THAT Disney), who followed his sister-in-law into the great beyond this day in 2009, and soft rock icon Dan Fogelberg, who strummed his last maudlin chord this day in 2007.
OK, that's it for this week! We'll be back here in your inbox on Monday with a fresh email and a fresh customer Q&A! If you'd like to be featured in an upcoming email reply to this and let us know!
Peace, love, and chocolate-covered last-minute gifts,