JUST KEEP THOSE PITS OUTTA MY MAW

I hope you're wearing some stretchy pants and ready to toss your New Year's resolutions out the window, because today is National Pizza Day!

You'll want to keep an eye out for pizza deals today; every major national chain is running promotions in an effort to erode your willpower.

You may want to skip olives just to be on the safe side, though — today is also National Toothache Day, and errant pits can be...well, the pits.*

*Remember that time in 2011 former Cleveland mayor and US Representative Dennis Kucinich tried to sue the House of Representatives' cafeteria because he bit into an olive pit in his sandwich? I do! Look, I hate food that bites back as much as the next human, but this event happened when the dude was 65 years old. If you stumble around this unforgiving mud ball for 65 years and don't understand that consuming olives is a gamble that may result in dental damage, that's on you, bruh.

You may be wondering right about now "Matt, how on earth are you going to tie together pizza and pitted fruits with a single GIF that is also thoroughly 90s and therefore appealing to both the GenX-ers and geriatric Millennials that lived it and those of a more recent vintage that wish they had lived it?"

Nailed it.

*****

Alright! Before we move on to the amusing links, let's celebrate a few February 9th birthdays! We have a lot today, so I'll be grouping them thusly:

• Stars of Stage & Screen: Joe Pesci (1943), Mia Farrow (1945), Judith Light (1949), Charlie Day (1976), Tom Hiddleston (1981), Michael B. Jordan (1987)

• Star of Printed Page: Novelist Alice Walker (1944)

• Star of Recorded Song: Carole King (1942)

• Star of Feel-Good Films: Businessman & motivational speaker Chris Gardner (1954), whose inspirational life story inspired the Will Smith-starring film The Pursuit of Happyness

• Star of Brief Oval Office Tenures: 9th POTUS William Henry Harrison (1773), who shuffled off this mortal coil a mere 31 days after being sworn into office. Sure, the pneumonia did the deed...but I'm guessing that the regimen of laudanam, opium, wine, and brandy the team of attending doctors prescribed didn't help.

Now on to some amusing links!

1. Let's visit the uncanny valley!

Bored Panda contributor Hidreley Diao uses their Instagram to pair brief biographies of historical figures and fictional characters with some creepy CGI renderings thereof.

2. Amorous advances in...the frozen dessert section?

Cartoonist Ryan K. Hudson draws amusing comics and generously shares them with us on Instagram. Enjoy!

3. Goths are everywhere — including TikTok

I've only been poking around this crazy app for, like, two weeks. I haven't found much that really sparks joy...but Madi Danger is hilarious, and judging by her appreciation for 1988 trash cinema gem Night of the Demons I think there's a decent amount of overlap in our Venn diagram.

4. A zoo in England hired a Marvin Gaye impersonator to serenade its monkey inhabitants in hopes that they might...get it on

I bet they sure love to ball.

5. UK artist Mark (no last name needed, apparently) draws classic recording artists in retro comic book and cartoon style!

Hanna-Barbera's The Velvet Underground (and Nico) is a personal fave, but really — they're all so good!

OK! Hopefully these little diversions helped to brighten your day! We'll be back here in your inbox on Friday with more entertainment and Boredwalk news (including new art of our own)! Until then...

Peace, love, and pit-less pizza pie,

Matt