Why do horror movies so often unfold while people are on vacation? We don't know, but we think we know how a few of our favorite horror movie characters would review their stays if certain hotels and vacation rentals were up for review on TripAdvisor."Thank goodness a tool shed on the property was at least equipped with an axe and chainsaw."
Review of Private Rustic Tennessee Cabin in Wooded Setting
Submitted by AWilliams on October 21 1981
This property is in a real state of disrepair and frankly, I think it's shameless of the owners to expect to rent this property at any price without doing some major renovations, or at the very least an exorcism.
Our first sign of trouble appeared upon our arrival at the cabin. The bridge leading to the property started to collapse while we were crossing it! There is no way that thing is up to code. We wanted to let it go, because the cabin did have a certain rustic charm, but unfortunately things just went downhill from there.
I thought we'd just chill, have some wine, maybe listen to some music and play cards or something, but shortly after unpacking, my friends and I stumbled upon a weathered old book and audio recordings — presumably left behind by the owners — that literally summoned demons to the property as soon as we pressed "play". Terrible feature!
Rather than relaxing, I spent the entire getaway dismembering my possessed friends. Thank goodness a tool shed on the property was at least equipped with an axe and chainsaw. You'll definitely need those things if you plan to vacation here. However, I strongly recommend going with someone you don't like, since in all likelihood you'll end up having to decapitate them at some point during your stay.
"Unless you're looking for a front-row seat to someone else's twisted family drama and a meal filled with excruciating conversation with a weird, gutless mama's boy, do yourself a favor and keep on driving"
Review of Bates Motel, California USA
Submitted by LCrane on September 26 1960
Where to even begin? I knew going in to my stay at the Bates' establishment that I wasn't exactly patronizing the Ritz-Carlton, but this place is for the birds! All I wanted was a hot shower and clean bed for the night before continuing on my search for my flaky white collar criminal sister, but the creepy mouth-breathing proprietor had zero sense of personal space, and his shrill battle-axe of a mother could wake the dead with the way she carried on, scolding him incessantly about the evils of lust and fornication...as if anybody, man OR woman, would willingly touch that leering little creep with a ten-foot pole!
The room itself was well-kept, but between the proprietor's loud arguments with his controlling mother (punctuated by the occasional blood-curdling scream) and the pervasive, nauseating smell of mothballs and rotting flesh emanating from the fruit cellar, it was impossible to get a good night's sleep. I left cash at the front desk and checked out early. Unless you're looking for a front-row seat to someone else's twisted family drama and a meal filled with excruciating conversation with a weird, gutless mama's boy, do yourself a favor and keep on driving. NO STARS."Relaxation fail due to shark infestation"
Review of Seaside Retreat on Amity Island -- Steps from the Beach
Submitted by GreatWhitesEffOff on June 30 1975
My family and I used to love spending summer vacations on Amity Island, but this place just isn't what it used to be. The house itself was nice, clean, and well-maintained, but the main reason you go is to enjoy the beach, which was impossible all summer thanks to a shark infestation. I know what you're thinking: you'll just enjoy the peaceful sounds of the waves crashing and take in a nice beach read. Unfortunately you can't even do that with all the other tourists screaming their heads off about this goddamn shark. Relaxation fail.
I hate to have to leave such a bad review after the owners offered us a partial refund on our stay, but people should know what they are getting themselves into if they plan to visit Amity Island. If Amity Island wants to continue being a highly-regarded summer destination, they need to do a better job of keeping the beach safer for vacationers.
"This place drove my husband crazy -- literally!"
Review of Overlook Hotel, Colorado, USA
Submitted by WTorrance on June 30 1980
My family and I stayed here in the off-season, but honestly I can't imagine this hotel is all that much better in the summer months. Admittedly the property does have some historic charm, but that doesn't make up for the fact that this hotel is haunted AF. We spent the better part of a winter here and the place drove my husband crazy. Not figuratively; actually, truly insane.
If I'm being honest, my husband could be moody at times in our own home, but this place made him downright homicidal. The hotel's garden maze is a veritable death trap. I'm not sure who thought that thing was a good idea, but I'd like to have a word with their landscaper! Outdoor amenities aside, the place is lousy with phantasms. There are ghosts in virtually every room on every floor; you really can't get a moment's peace, despite the remote location. Ghosts in the guest rooms, ghosts in the hall, ghosts in the ballroom, ghosts serving you bourbon when they know goddamn well you're already battling a drinking problem. Thanks for nothing, Lloyd!
In retrospect I wouldn't have minded the ghosts if they were of the friendly, Casper-esque variety, but these ghosts were total dicks. My son and I ended up bailing halfway through our stay due to my husband's incessant murderous outbursts. This retreat literally ended our marriage, and I can't in good conscience recommend this hotel to anyone.