March 06, 2023
This one bites 🦈
SHARKS HAVE IT MADE!
It's National Dentists Day, and I will begrudgingly acknowledge that they are a necessary evil, but emphasis on the evil. Behold my list of grievances with dentists and teeth!
• Why must you always try to greet me with "how are you?" when I have to come to the dental office? This is an absurd and pointless question. It is safe to assume I am terrible, since I am there to have someone stabbing around at my mouth for the next hour or so. I likely considered driving into oncoming traffic several times on the way over, because that sounded like more fun than this visit. Just get this horror show on the road, I am not in it for small talk. Also, don't try to talk to me while you're doing the teeth work; I have jammed my earbuds in so far that they are now permanently fused to my brain. I can't hear a thing you are saying and this is on purpose. There is zero chance anything you say is gonna make this any better.
• Why must you demand I look at x-rays? Did I go to dental school? No I did not. I have no idea what we are looking at and I don't care. I am paying you to look at the x-rays, not to demand I pretend to be interested in x-rays. Please let me listen to my music and try to dissociate. Who are you, Dexter? I don't need you to show me pictures of the teeth I have murdered. Just stab me in the heart and put me out of my misery if you're going to carry on like this.
• Why the hell do we have so few teeth and why are they so fragile and high maintenance? My teeth have an entire drawer of supplies in my bathroom! A full drawer! They've got the brush, the brush charger, the brush heads, rinses, flosses, and pastes. None of my other body parts threaten to fall the f*ck off unless I scrub them twice a day like a crime scene. Plus I gotta take them to the dentist twice a year for even more maintenance. Wanna know why that shark up top is happy? Because he has unlimited teeth! When his teeth fall out he just grows new ones and I'm stuck with a mere irreplaceable 32?! Utter BS!
Look dentists, I get that you serve a function, mostly because our bodies are stupid and teeth are a scam, but no one likes visiting you. I guess I'm glad that you exist since I don't want my teeth to fall out, but I would appreciate you so much more if you'd get on the same page with me about teeth being a stupid, horribly designed body part, and not pretending like it's my fault when they break because apparently flossing and brushing TWICE A DAY FOR DECADES is not enough for these temperamental, demanding, and entitled mouth bones that we both desperately need AND are doomed to fail!* In my next life, I'm coming back as a Great White.
* My dentist sometimes tries to gaslight me about the design flaws inherent in teeth by insisting the real problem is sugar. My cat eats zero sugar and his teeth also decayed and some had to be removed, so this is obviously more BS. Quit making excuses for why we should do more to baby our stupid teeth and start admitting teeth are the problem!
This looks like so much more fun than a trip to the dentist!
GIF via Boomerang
Dentists, don't at me. Everything I've stated up top is completely factual and I will not be taking any questions. What I will be offering are some notable March 6th birthdays and historical facts to impress people with. Here are a few...
• Born on this day: basketball player Shaquille O'Neal (1972), novelist Gabriel García Márquez (1927), actress Connie Britton (1967), artist Michelangelo (1475), filmmaker Rob Reiner (1947), and rapper Tyler, the Creator (1991)
• On this day in 1869 Dmitri Mendeleev presented the first periodic table of the elements to the Russian Chemical Society
• Ghana became the first African country to gain independence from colonial rule on this day in 1957
• The Alamo fell to Mexican forces on this day in 1836
• Finally, Clarence Birdseye began selling prepackaged frozen food for the first time, in Springfield, Massachusetts on this day in 1930
Alright! Scroll on down to learn a bit about fellow Boredwalk fan Heidi! If you're feeling gregarious and would like to be featured in an upcoming Monday email (and are a customer with some Boredwalk tees, tanks, hoodies, towels, bags, or books to show off), just reply to this and let us know and we'll send you some fun questions!
We'll be back here in your inbox on Wednesday with some more random holidays to observe, historical tidbits to acknowledge, and fun links to entertaining content! Until next time...
Peace, love, and biting,
Heidi looking cozy and cloistered away in her Indoorsy hoodie!
1. What's your actual day job and what's your dream day job?
I work it IT Operations, which is super awesome, and I've worked in IT more or less my entire career.
I would love to work in a bookshop, although that means I wouldn't be able to sit around and read all the books all day.
2. What's your biggest pet peeve?
I don't like people that are cruel for the sake of being cruel.
3. What's a book you think the Boredwalk community should read?
Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett
4. If you could make a mundane wish (meaning, a wish for something seemingly inconsequential that you still believe would benefit you immensely), what would it be for?
I would really like to be able to satisfyingly scratch an itch the first time I try.
(Editor's note: This is a really unique and relatable wish! It's always so disappointing when you don't have the flexibility, reach, or leverage to indulge in a proper scratch and have to settle for a subpar rub instead.)
5. You can curse your nemesis with a minor annoyance for eternity; what do you choose?
I would like them to have an intolerance to the taste of cilantro, and never be able to remove it from their food.
6. If you could go back in time and say something to your younger self, what would it be?
Wear the fun, weird clothes — you don't need to be serious all the time.
(I know a place...)
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