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BEHOLD! LINKS FOR JERKS, AND EVERYONE ELSE, TOO! WHAT A TREAT!
It's me, Meredith! Usually Matt writes these emails and I lurk behind the scenes suggesting links and trying to catch typos, but right now he's busy drawing some drunken fiends for sharing later this week, so I've taken over the email!
We'll get to the feast of tasty links in just a minute, but before we do that, let's kick things off with some cake and talk September 2nds of yore!
• First up, Happy Birthday to the dreamy and all-around-nice guy, Keanu Charles Reeves, born this day in Beirut, Lebanon in 1964! He's not only known for starring roles in blockbusters such as Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Matrix, and John Wick; he's also known for his generosity and philanthropy. Reeves reportedly shared back-end profits on The Matrix sequels with the movies’ special-effects and costume teams and has launched a foundation that funds children’s hospitals and cancer research. What a swell guy!
• Do robots like cake? I sure hope so, because it's 01000010 01001001 01010010 01010100 01001000 01000100 01000001 01011001 time for the ATM! (That's binary for "birthday"). The first one started dispensing cash in New York City on this day in 1969. Beep-boop-ka-ching!
• Finally, a Ngày Quốc Khánh shoutout to Vietnam! On this day in 1945 Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam independent from France.
OK, link time!
1. Everyone's so goddamn bored in quarantine, even the birds!
That's why this little lovebird has taken up skateboarding. You can check out her moves and mastery of the half-pipe over on Instagram.
2. Sick of waiting for Boredwalk emails to catch you up on history lessons you never asked for?
Swing by Weird History's Twitter account for fun facts, like the one about Leonardo da Vinci buying caged animals at markets just to set them free, or the one about Persians using cats as shields against Egyptians in the battle of Pelusium (525 BCE) — mainly due to Egyptians having a prohibition on killing cats. Sneaky!
3. We know you love books, but what about wacky book dedications?
OMG Blog has compiled a collection of some of the weirdest and funniest book dedications ever. My favorite? "I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book, except for that guy who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight because he thought I was being 'too rowdy.' You're an asshole, sir."
4. Sandwich Bag Dad has been drawing "dad jokes" on his kids' lunch bags for 8 years!
Lucky for us he's shared them on Instagram and they are adorable. If you love puns, comics, and silly humor, this Instagram account will give you life.
5. The jerks are finally getting a journal!
No need to run out to the jerk store for this rousing read. Humorist Glen Tickle is putting together a magazine about the jerks you know. Just send him a few bucks and some info about the jerks who belong in his magazine and he'll not only feature your least favorite person in his disapproval digest, he'll send them a copy so they know just how terrible they are.
THESE LINKS AIN'T GONNA CLICK THEMSELVES
Happy Women's Equality Day! Also, happy National Dog Day! You may be wondering "hmm...how should I celebrate today?" Assuming you live with one, I think it would be a capital idea to walk your dog, give it an extra belly scritch, and then check your voter registration to make sure you're properly enfranchised come November 3rd!
Before we get to the links, though, you know what time it is — CAKE TIME!
• First up, happy birthday to the Krakatoan volcanic eruption, born this day in 1883! The Indonesian island explosion was so massive that it was heard 2,200 miles away in Madagascar, spewed ash 50 miles up into the atmosphere, and between the explosion itself and the subsequent 131-foot tsunamis it generated, it resulted in the deaths of 36,000 people. Which is very tragic, but also very metal.
"How did you die?"
"Volcanic eruption shot with a tsunami chaser!"
See? Metal AF.
• Cut a piece for the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, officially ratified on this day in 1920! The 19th Amendment secured the right to vote for women. (Side rant: It drives me nuts when writings say the 14th and 19th Amendments "gave" the right to vote to people of color and women, as though it was some passive gift handed out as an afterthought by kindly old white men with hearts of gold and not something that was fought for, tooth and nail, for centuries. Using the word "gave" to describe this exchange of power is linguistically lazy. End rant!)
• Sling a slice over to voice actor extraordinaire Donald Leroy "Don" LaFontaine, born this day in 1940! You've definitely heard the guy's voice, even if you don't recognize the dude's name — he's the "in a world" guy from all those blockbuster movie trailers.
• Bop a bite into your blowhole for Branford Marsalis, born this day in 1960! Along with his brothers Wynton, Jason, and Delfeayo, the saxophonist spent much of the 1980s and 1990s pushing the jazz idiom in exciting new directions, and performed & recorded with an eclectic group of musicians, including Art Blakey, Sting, The Grateful Dead, and DJ Premier of Gang Starr.
• Finally, happy birthday to comedian, writer, producer, and Emmy-winning actor Melissa Ann McCarthy, born this day in 1970!
OK, link time!
1. Homophones Weakly is the best way for grammarians to pass the time.
Bruce Worden's blog is, in his own words, "a visual exploration of words that look the same, sound the same, or are otherwise easily confused. Updated weakly through 2016, now only occasionally." It's...pretty funny.
While a lot of replies were of the "an ice cold bottle of water would be great" variety, but I also like the fact that a lot of them just appreciate a smile or friendly "hello!"
3. Matt Shirley makes funny charts and posts them to Instagram.
Whether you need a visual guide to instruct you in the correct proportions of a mimosa, the amount of experience needed for any kind of job, or the worst tourist attraction in every US state, Matt's got it covered.
It's bloody (really bloody) adorable. Here's a sampling of the series as culled from his Instagram.
This is awesome, but not as awesome as finding that (thankfully) their Cinnamon Buns flavor has not yet shuffled off this mortal coil.
Boredwalk Community: Clean That Sh!t Up!
1. You can curse your nemesis with a minor annoyance for eternity; what do you choose?
My nemesis will always have an eyelash stuck under their eyelid. When they are just about to get it out, an eyelash will become stuck under their other eyelid. No. Relief. (Ed. note: That is oddly specific. I like it.)
2. What's your biggest pet peeve?
My biggest pet peeve is so boring and domestic. But if someone JUST cleaned the toilet, and YOU get poop stain everywhere, clean that sh!t up yourself! The toilet cleaner should be able to enjoy the satisfaction of a clean toilet for *at least* a couple poops before you defile it. (Um...yes. Clean that sh!t up yourself!)
3. What's a book you think the Boredwalk community should read?
The Boredwalk community should read the graphic novel Watchmen.
It's about how building and creating beautiful and good things is so intricate and difficult, but destruction is so simple and quick, and permanent. Also some insightful stuff about love and whatnot.
It's nice about the movie and the show, but the source material feels very personal and grips your emotions and twists them around expertly. On a screen with physical people, you can't exaggerate proportions or light and shadow to the same effect. One panel of Doctor Manhattan alone on Mars is so evocative.